How to neutralize your mother-in-law

Mother-in-low vs. daughter-in-law. Never-ending war, as old as the world. You're tired of it, but here are some advices how to relax and take pleasure, grappling with this fury.

Who is she? What is her hobby? You have to know everything about your archenemy to win a victory. Follow the advices but don't stop in the middle of the way or your marriage will turn into hell with her in the role of the eternally-out-there-Satan.

She is a loosing weight type.
And she enforces you to do the same, although you're as thin as a rake! Tell her about a new highly effective diet, special for mothers-in-law - she can eat nothing but roast African bugs (Antarctic mosses etc) and only at the native inhabitant.

She adores children, but you aren't ready to turn into a mommy now.
Let her think you're pregnant - transform into a eternally feeling sick nervous fury, notify her that the ultrasonic analysis showed the triplet babies and ask if she is ready to wet-nurse with them.

She knows everything about cooking.
Whatever you do, she is always ready to poke and pry. Let her cook for a week, eat it as if her dishes are toxic, complaining of tummy-ache and nausea.

She's very stylish and keeping up with the fashions at her 70.
She is dreaming about designer career, making you wear the terrible dresses made by her own patterns but spending a small fortune for shoes, bags and dresses by famous designers. Just acquaint her with Vivienne Westwood and forget about her. Forever!

She is a flower fancier
Flowers are everywhere. She is moving among them breathlessly and on tiptoe, asking you to do the same. But you have no wings! Give her a new sort of orchids, and she will forget about you for several weeks. Repeat every mouth.

She looks like a living image of medieval witch
Horoscopes, spirit rapping, magic...she can't live without it, enforcing you to take part in the crazy seances. Next time, make a show - let somebody dress as a ghost and tell her about terrible life after life, waiting for her if she won't stop brutalizing you.

She adores exotic pets.
Viper and venomous spiders are her best friends. Every time you see this dangerous zoo, you're ready to give a scream and run away. Present a cute mongoose and inform her about a brand new way to live 200 years eating only venomous spiders.