How to cook something impressive

These advices will let you turn into a chief cook. If only you'll be following it closely.

Things you'll need:

1. Very fresh foodstuff, and the fresher, the better. Ideally, lettuce must be picked in early predawn hours directly from bed; egg - caught before it will fall to the ground, directly from under the hen.

2. New kitchen. Huge tabletops from stainless steel and heavy wooden facades - for country style atmosphere. It is necessary to hang up all the pots, pans, frying pans etc to ceiling (benefits: utensil will not be hindering your motions; but implications: you will never guess where you can find it).

Instruction:

1. Put on an apron. Design is not very important if its strings are long enough to wrap you round twice and knot on the belly. Keep in your mind that your chances to make an excellent cake with whipped cream and fruit are going to zero if its design is too funny.

2. Put all ingredients on the table and make sure that the forms and colors are in harmony with one another. Cut them all with a knife, so sharp that will not notice a pair of cut off fingers.

3. Pour yourself a glass of wine (red, white - it's all the same) but not for drinking. You'll put it into the dish in the most dangerous moment.

4. Make sure that you have all the seasonings. There're more than 400 spices, and you'll be in need of the absent one, surely. Don't get the jitters - only add your wine into dish.

5. Start cooking very quickly or very slowly. Frying in the boiling oil is very impressive sight, the same as a stewing within five hours. But never avow that you spent more than a hour near cooker, never!

6. Warm the plates until red-hot condition. It creates impression that you're a professional waiter. However, don't cover dishes with the "helmets" from stainless steel and don't reach up it in the last moment. If only you didn't bake a viking's head.