How to drink a beer or drinkers fault-finding guide.

SYMPTOM	FAULT	TO BE TAKEN
Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet	Mouth is not open while drinking or glassbeing applied to the wrong part of face	Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique will perfect.
Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear	Glass is empty	Find someone who will buy another pint for you.
Feet are cold and wet.	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.
Feet are warm and wet.	Loss of the self control.	Go and stand next to the nearest dog and after a while complain to it's owner about dog's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.
Bar blurred.	You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.	Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar is swaying.	Air turbulence unusually high... maybe due to darts match in progress.	Insert a broom handle down back of the jacket.
Bar is moving.	You are being carried out.	Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked!
You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has fluorescent light strip across it.	You have fallen over backwards.	If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm< stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog ends and teeth.	You have fallen over forwards.	As for falling over backwards. See above.
You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.	You have spent the night in the gutter.	Check your watch to see is it opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
Everything has gone dark.	The pub is closing.	Panic!!